Joey said a few weeks ago that he couldn't imagine I'd ever do anything I didn't want to do.
That's an awfully nice thing to say. I wish I had that kind of
confidence. And there are things I don't want to do which I
actually don't do. But lately, I've been doing loads of things
that I really don't want to do, mostly small, but still.
I hate to admit it, but my life really isn't that great right
now. I'm frustrated by a lot of things, and a lot of times I just
want to go back to Boston and have my old life - with the addition of
Joey. I'm a little bit tired of not being around anyone who's
known me longer than three years, and mostly being around people who've
known me a much shorter time than that. I'm truly sick of my
coworkers' being in another country. I still don't really know
where to buy clothes. And I cannot believe, no matter how
civilized Canada may be, that I would have to go to Buffalo to get to
Target. I hate Buffalo.
See, I did all this stuff this past weekend, except the coworkers bit
as I didn't have time to get to the office on the weekday. I
spent time with people who've mostly known me about fifteen years, plus
my family, and a couple of much longer-term friends who happen to also
have gone to my college. We went to stores I knew, and even to
Target on the way to the airport (not that we bought anything there,
but still, we went). And it was utterly depressing, because I had
to come back to my computer in my living room. I like Toronto,
and my new friends, and all that, don't get me wrong. But waking
up in the morning with no place in particular to go...I am just not
sure how much longer I can take it.
A few of my classmates, independently of one another, mentioned that the average jobsearch takes six to nine months.
Something's got to give.
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The Redhead is back from a long hiatus. You may contact her at wkoslow at most major free email services. I'm not kidding.
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Re: argh
by
joe redd
on Tue 13 Jun 2006 06:58 PM EDT | Permanent Link
hi there ,
I am there with you . Felt the same way for years . Just got our Can... citizenship a few weeks ago. Its time to pack up and move south . I would rather let my kids to feel the warmth and big heartedness of "Big Bully America" as most canadians picture their neigbour. good luck. Re: argh
by
Ashley
on Wed 14 Jun 2006 03:05 AM EDT | Permanent Link
I've moved a number of times and I've always hit this point, myself. The shine goes off, you start to miss what you had, and suddenly you're going, "What the fuck am I doing here...?" The visit-home-reminder is awful. Like opening a wound you didn't know you had.
The consumer comfort zone is more important than most of us adults-of-this-new-era think. Being able to know exactly where to run out and buy clothes, or a hammer, or carnations, or fabric - whatever - is part of that underlying layer of comfort that makes somewhere home. I challenge you to find the following things during the next two weeks in Bloor West Village, or "nearby" (Roncesvalles, Dundas mall, subway-able distance on Yonge, whatever): perogies, a second hand Smiths tape or cd, and a comfortable black sweater for under $30 (you don't have to buy it). Of the latter, I want to report that at present I happen to be wearing one which I purchased, years ago, in Bloor West Village at a snotty way-too-expensive women's store. The kind where they sneer at you a la Pretty Woman when you walk in. "Regularly" $110, I got it on sale (by accident - it was my one and only time into that store) for $20 and it has worn like iron for years, taking me through India and Canada and across Canada and back again. I was living on Roncesvalles at the time. My only tie to the area was the fact that my grandparents had lived in "New Toronto" (now Etobicoke) for two years when my mother was an infant. My grandfather would take the streetcar into Toronto and still pronounced Roncesvalles "Ron-chess-vall-ays!" on the phone to me. It was a tenuous tie, to say the least. Roncesvalles was my first home in Toronto. I walked up and down that street trying to find a place for myself in the city, in my mind trying to carve out some "me" that was a Toronto me. I bought both the Atlantic and Pacific smoked salmon at the Polish delis and did informal taste tests in our apartment (my vote goes to Atlantic). I got a gym membership up on Bloor West at a basement gym and went religiously, and learned to run on a treadmill but didn't ever lose any weight. That winter a storm buried Toronto for four days (the army was called in to dig us out) and our friends in the building went out to the across-the-street schoolyard for a snowball fight. But it was a long, hard year of finishing my Master's by commuting to Guelph, and somehow through that fractured time I slowly built a Toronto life for myself. I eventually left the city, but I still consider Toronto home.... "Home" in a way that only somewhere that you choose for yourself and fight to love can be home. I happen to be from Calgary, the city I live in now. It's easy for me here. I can navigate blindfolded, I always have invitations to stuff, I am the homegrown bossypants know-it-all. But in Toronto I had to earn my place as a transplant, and I will tell you that I love it all the more, MUCH more, because I fought for it. But that ennui and longing for home-home, I know it. I'm with you on that. I ached for Toronto when I moved back to Calgary a few years ago. I couldn't really even talk about Toronto and my friends there; I existed in a history vacuum and wouldn't tell people much about where I'd been for the last few years because I missed Toronto and everything about my life there: I'd chosen Toronto and I was sorry to leave. It took some serious, plodding and painstaking effort, but I rebuilt an "actual" (rather than default) life in Calgary here. And I am loving my life, now. But it took a long time. And so much work. And there were some very quiet moments, empty moments, those "something has to give" moments. Also a lot of drinking by myself and pounding away at email late at night, telling my stories so they'd sound less lonely, more epic than my life was. It was good practice at building a mythology of myself (no blogs back then - at least, not for me). I guess I don't have one particular point. But I guess I want to say that I've been where you are, in different ways and at different times. It's fucking frustrating, and by turns very upsetting. I remember being shunned by the snotty Women's Centre people at my new grad school, after being Queen Shit in undergrad, and thinking, "Don't you know who I am? ...What I've done and accomplished?" and of course, no, they didn't - and they didn't care. It was very lonely. I remember living in the Philippines and being overwhelmed by that feeling of wishing that - for the love of god - I could have five minutes with someone who had known me for more than a year, with someone who knew me for the Me! I am and not the new person I seemed to be, there. Yeah, I've been there. But you'll get there. You'll get there. Re: Re: argh
by
The Redhead
on Wed 14 Jun 2006 09:08 AM EDT | Profile | Permanent Link
You can't swing a dead cat and not hit pierogies around here. Delicately put, I know.
I'm not really having trouble finding anything other than clothes, by the way. I just enjoy Target (I don't even really buy clothes there, other than socks and the odd something). I do know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling, nor am I actually alone. And thank you for your comment, Ashley, it does help. I go through waves of being OK and not-OK. It'll pass. And when I get a job I have to leave the house and go to, I won't have so much time to dwell on it. Re: argh
by
Erica
on Wed 14 Jun 2006 01:57 PM EDT | Permanent Link
Someplace wonderful will realize what a find you are and snap you up soon. I know it.
Being on the jobsearch, and being primarily based from home, is a real depression drag. I hated that about the time I was jobhunting. I know you'd been trying to work out of cafes and stuff some before - did that help any? I wonder if there are any other remote workers in the area you could meet up with and have "office" time at a cafe together. Or other folks who are out of work, or working as stay-home moms, etc., that you could spend time with during the day even if just being in the same house together. You're a really social worker - someone who's energized by having other people around, and to interact with. So I wonder if maybe the cafe alone wouldn't be enough, but if meeting people at a cafe to work side by side would at least help more. Anyway, you kick ass, and it can't take forever for someone with hiring power somewhere nifty to notice that. It *will* happen soon. hugs from Cambridge! Erica Re: Re: argh
by
The Redhead
on Wed 14 Jun 2006 03:15 PM EDT | Profile | Permanent Link
Thanks for the kind words - you know me pretty well, huh. :) Wandering around Berkman chatting people up made the icky tasks fantastically easier.
There is a movement here to get together an "innovation commons" where people can come together to work on separate projects. I would *love* that. The problem with a cafe atmosphere is that I am terrible at doing things like editing HTML when there is music, cappucino frothing, stuff like that happening. And edit HTML I must. At least I can wear my pajamas to work if I want to. Re: argh
by
louis758
on Sat 14 Nov 2009 11:51 PM EST | Profile | Permanent Link
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on Sun 15 Nov 2009 12:44 AM EST | Profile | Permanent Link
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